Life Despite Ed: My Mind is Half the Battle
Here at The Pulse, I encourage exercise and nutrition that keeps you healthy in mind, body and spirit. Unfortunately, sometimes a need for control pushes someone to an unhealthy state because the body is one thing that can be controlled. Mike Kraft, 20, is a student at Oswego State who has struggled with anorexia, and he realized that it’s about much more than physical control. Read about his journey here and support him in the fight to regain control of his mind, body and spirit.
My name is Mike Kraft and I have suffered from an eating disorder for the past five years.
Don’t worry, I’ve already come to grips with that unsettling fact, so this isn’t a form of confession. I accepted that there was something wrong when I checked into an eating disorder help program in 2009 at the University of Rochester Medical Center at Strong Memorial Hospital in Rochester, N.Y.
I’m also not here to make you feel sorry for me because there are hundreds of thousands of other people out there who suffer from eating disorders. Instead, I’m here to say that eating disorders are more painful on the mental side than the physical side, even though that’s all anyone sees.
No one knows you more than yourself, which is why those who don’t suffer from an eating disorder can’t wrap their minds around how people succumb to one. Well, it’s not by choice. An eating disorder is much like any other addiction; it always has some form of control and never truly allows you to be “healed.” Negative thoughts run through my head from time to time, but the key is to minimize these thought processes and focus on being healthy.
Perhaps the worst form of negativity comes from those I’m surrounded by. A simple comment like, “go eat a sandwich,” or “you’re all skin and bones” had devastating consequences on me. I felt horrible about myself and sank into a depression – anorexia’s best friend. I believed that I was imperfect and worthless; the only thing I was good at was being skinny. So I did everything in my power to remain skinny: starve, over-exercise and vomit.
Even after treatment, when everything appears to be back to normal, the battle is never truly over. I suffered from this for so long that it becomes a part of my lifestyle, and I was confused when I had to battle against it. It was normal for me to eat one meal a day, so bumping it up to three was a challenge. I fight every day to be healthy because like I said, it’s never over. At any moment anorexia can rear its ugly head back and I’m no longer in recovery.
I’ve been recovered for about a year now, but I still attend monthly psychiatric therapy and wonder “what if.” What if I didn’t have an eating disorder? Would I have more friends? Would I have a girlfriend? Would I be happier? I will never be able to answer these questions, which is frustrating. There are times when I blame my eating disorder for the horrible things that have happened in my life, but I know that’s not right. I’ve blamed my eating disorder for being depressed, for being alone on a Saturday night, for a girl not liking me back. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be satisfied with the way I look, or if I’ll ever be able to stop these thought processes. But it’s a daily battle I’m ready to face. My life is too important not to.
– Post written by Mike Kraft and edited by Samantha Shelton
Posted on October 2, 2010, in Exercise, Mental Health, Uncategorized and tagged Anorexia nervosa, Disorders, Eating, Eating disorder, Exercise, Health, Mental Health, Strong Memorial Hospital, Treatment Services. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.