Cancer Sucks

I know I said I’d outline my September goals today, but that needs to wait. This is more important. First and foremost, this blog is my personal space to talk, vent and sometimes just plain scream about what’s going on in my world. Writing is therapeutic for me. So if you decide to continue reading this post, please know that this is my therapy for the night.

Cancer sucks.

It just plain does. I hate every single thing about it. I hate the fact that no matter what you do, how healthy you are, or how hard you try, you can’t prevent it. It doesn’t choose who it decides to attack. Cancer doesn’t play favorites, it isn’t ever nice to you. Sometimes you can do everything right and you’ll still get cancer.

How is this fair?

It’s not. I’m so irritated, annoyed, angry, frustrated, upset, and a whole other list of emotions with cancer. I’m so tired of it invading my life and attacking those I love the most. What did they do to deserve it? NOTHING. What does anyone do to deserve it? NOTHING. It’s just not fair. I hate the way that cancer can just turn your life upside down. It turns your own body against you. 

You’re probably wondering why I’ve gone off on this little rant. Actually, you’ve likely figured it out, you’re all smart. I found out today that someone very near and dear to my heart has skin cancer. He was diagnosed yesterday. Luckily, they caught it early enough and it hasn’t spread, but it’s still there. It still exists. And it still sucks.

I received the phone call this afternoon, when I got out of work (half day!) and was casually cleaning up my apartment. Once I heard the news, I lost it. Didn’t even take 2.5 seconds before I started bawling my eyes out. Cancer does that to a person. It’s so life-altering. You never know what’s going to happen, and that’s terrifying.

So what did I do? My casual cleaning got kicked into high gear as I tried not to think about it. I cleaned and organized my entire living room, dining room, kitchen and bedroom. I washed my laundry and put it all away (including my bed sheets and pillowcases). I organized my closet and filled a bag with clothes to donate.

None of it worked. Every time I thought about it, I started crying. There was a lot of pent-up energy inside of me, so I laced on my sneakers. Maybe a run would help, it’s been therapeutic for me before. So I took a deep breath and ran out the door.

And I ran fast. Actually, I think it’s the fastest I’ve run in a long time. The angry thoughts in my head kept propelling me forward, moving me without even having to think about what my body was doing. Before I knew it, I was at my usual turn around spot. I grabbed a quick drink of water, then headed back home.

I thought about all of the times cancer has invaded my life. Each person, every memory flowed through me as easily as my blood was pumping. I had my iPod on, but I couldn’t tell you a single word that rang through my ears. My Garmin was strapped to my wrist, but I didn’t glance at it once. This stupid thing called cancer was consuming me.

And then I fell. Ouch.

I don’t know what happened. I think my foot hit an elevated part of the sidewalk. Or I could have slipped on some sand. Or my legs were just moving faster than what I’m used to and the rest of my body couldn’t keep up. I don’t know what it was, but one minute I was thinking about my mom and all the crap she went through back when she had cancer, and the next minute I was eating pavement. Fun.

Gotta love getting a little bloody, huh? Made me look tough as I ran along.

I finished up, turned off my watch and glanced down. I averaged a 9:10 pace and finished in 27:31. That’s fast for me. Normally I would be beaming with pride about this time and would be smiling ear-to-ear as I walked through my door. Instead, I leaned against my door frame and cried once more.

It’s really disheartening to see how common cancer still is. I’ve poured my heart and soul into fighting this disease and participate in basically anything sponsored by the American Cancer Society. My wallet is usually close to empty because I want to kick cancer’s ass so badly. I’ll gladly hand over my money to help scientists find whatever it is that’s going to one day cure cancer.

I just wish they’d find the cure now.

Every day, I hope for a day without cancer. I hope that sometime in my lifetime, something new will be found and it will be able to save lives. I know we’ve made a lot of progress in the last decade, but I still crave more. Because without more, people like my friend still have to embark on the fight of their lives.

I haven’t made the official announcement yet, but I suppose now is as good a time as any. I have been working with a close friend of mine at the American Cancer Society, Betsy, to get everything set up for my half-marathon. If you remember, I signed up to run a half in New Orleans to celebrate my 22nd birthday with my roommate Libby. I decided a little over a month ago that I wasn’t going to just run to celebrate my birthday. I was going to run for more birthdays.

For the Iron Girl half in New Orleans on November 20, I’m fundraising for the American Cancer Society. I have some fundraisers cooking, and I will have an online page set up soon. I’ll make a more formal post about this at a later date, but now you have a heads up. As you can see, cancer just effing sucks. And I want to kick its ass so badly.

With that, I’m signing off. It’s been a very draining day. My night involves re-runs of Friends, and hopefully something involving peanut butter and ice cream.

Have you ever been affected by cancer? Let’s kick its ass together.