Show the Love

I cannot stop thinking about Clare. She passed so unexpectedly, and it’s just so difficult to process that she’s really gone. She was such an inspiration, so full of life. The fact that we don’t know what happened yet makes it even more difficult to process that it’s real. I won’t be able to stroll into SoulCycle anymore and listen to her telling me to crank up the resistance because she knows I can handle it; I won’t be able to simply close my eyes and hear her voice move perfectly in sync with the beat she’s brilliantly selected for that exact moment. Things like these, you just don’t realize how great they are until they’re gone. I wasn’t even a close friend of Clare’s and my heart physically aches whenever I think about what happened. It’s just so sad.

Over the last few days, I’ve thought a lot about what it would be like if I lost someone who was extremely close to me. I can’t even process it; it hurts too much. So I’ve found myself hugging my loved ones a little longer, letting go of unimportant frustrations more often, and telling my friends and family how much I love them every single day, multiple times a day. Because God forbid, if something happened to me, I don’t ever want any of them to doubt how much they meant to me or forget about how much they changed my life. So many people leave footprints on your heart, and you should always take the time to let someone know just how much you care. Believe me, it’s things like this that really matter in life.

I’ve also thought a lot about happiness, and whether or not it’s ok to feel that emotion after someone passes. It kind of feels wrong, don’t you think? Smiling, laughing and cracking jokes when someone you love can’t do it anymore. Sometimes I’ll catch myself laughing, like I did yesterday when out to dinner for Dustin’s birthday, and halt the joy in its tracks. “I shouldn’t be doing that,” I thought to myself. “It’s disrespectful.” I even thought about postponing the rest of my busy travel plans for the rest of the holiday season.

But that would be so, so wrong. Especially when the person who passed was so joyous, full of life and energetic. Giving in to those thoughts would be like halting life. Canceling my travel plans, especially when I’m going to visit my best friend, wouldn’t benefit anyone, nor would it change anything. A part of me believes I would be looked down on with sadness and disapproval, and that’s something I don’t ever want to happen.

So I enjoyed the rest of my evening with Dustin and chose to celebrate life and the fabulous fact that he was born and came into my life a little over three years ago. It’s been amazing. And then I packed up my bags and boarded my first of two planes that will bring me to Oklahoma (I’m currently in Chicago), where my best friend awaits me. While I’m sure more sadness and reflection will come, I know that I’ll also laugh about inside jokes we made when we were 16 while watching countless episodes of Friends. Because that’s what we do best and it makes us happy. It’s about the little things, like being perfectly comfortable in silence, sitting next to one another and just enjoying each others’ presence.

I know the last two posts have been text-heavy, but writing is therapeutic for me. But I do have some photos! While I’m in the air, you can (hopefully) enjoy these photos from the last few weeks with a few really important people in my life. And if you’re not in these photos, please know that I genuinely hope we can spend more time together soon ❤

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I also thought I’d share a song that I’ve been playing a lot since we learned about Clare. It’s a favorite of mine and I really think the lyrics say it all.

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Posted on December 29, 2011, in Exercise, Mental Health, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Samantha, thank you for this thoughtful and beautifully written reflection on loss. When we care deeply about others, it is sad to know that they are gone from our lives — whether through death or change in relationship. You have wisely and tenderly expressed many strong and loving thoughts here. ❤ Get me in a picture soon.

  2. love this post! so important to step back and appreciate everyone we have the pleasure of knowing and loving in our lives. xoxo

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